I was an aid worker for the better part of ten years, I worked with orphans, refugees and abused women and children. I lived in Costa Rica, Chile, Panama, Jamaica and for about four years in Mexico. I worked with indigenous refugees in Guatemala and with people with Hansen’s Disease (also known as "Leprosy") in Ecuador. I was a first responder during Hurricane Katrina (I arrived down to NOLA before the Red Cross did & even planned a wedding between two beautiful evacuees from The 9th Ward of New Orleans. The wedding was held in our Coliseum). I am very blessed to have followed my heart to distant villages and lands. I was taught how to shine in the face of adversity by some of the most spiritually-wealthy & courageous souls on the planet. While in Mexico, I ran an orpahange for little girls ages 6-14 and taught Spanish classes to children who speak Mayan in the villages.
I also have been an athlete all my life. I was on a summer swim & tennis team from the ages of 5-17 and was the Captain of my Varsity Field Hockey, Basketball and Lacrosse teams in high school. I played club/intramural sports in college & was in a running club. I am trained in leading camping trips & teaching people how to white water raft and rock climb.
" The memories of my time spent with such incredible people has kept the fuel burning in my soul long after my accident."
"My Glory days"
Unforeseen circumstances
My story after this point is very bizarre and the only way I have been able to understand it, is that God must have a very big plan in mind for me. Even though I usually tell people that I was in "one accident" because it involves less details, is less confusing and emotionally less-taxing to discuss. I was actually in
two different accidents in a 6-week period. On the day of the 1st accident, I came home to the NYC area from Mexico for Christmas of 2008. I was setting up a new shelter which was scheduled to open on March 1, 2009. I remember waiting until night-time to go to the gym, but feeling like I should just stay home. I pushed that idea out of my head, got into my car and headed for the gym.
I was at a complete stop on a main street, waiting to turn into the gym's parking lot. There was a woman exiting the parking lot in a large Suburban and taking up both the exit and entrance. So I motioned to her that she could pull out first. She waited and was looking past me. I looked into my rear view mirror & saw a car, pretty far back, in my lane. But, since no one was in the lane next to me, I just assumed he would switch lanes & this woman could exit. I waited for what seemed like a really long time & looked back up at the woman in the SUV, as if to say, "Yo lady, are you gonna go or what??" I just remember seeing a look of
complete horror on her face. She had a few children in the car and I saw little faces in the windows looking at me, and they too were looking at me in sheer terror. I looked into my rear view mirror, almost right at the point of impact. I saw a man with his face
lit up from his cellphone, looking down at his phone, with one hand on the wheel and no idea that he was about to drill right into me. Luckily, I somehow thought quickly enough to cut my wheel to right and step on the gas as I was struck. This shot my car off at a different angle and I avoided getting crushed into the SUV. Even though it wouldn't have been my fault, had any of those children been injured, I would never have forgiven myself.
Needless to say, I was struck from behind by a man who was texting and speeding. He admitted in the deposition to looking away from the road for
thirty seconds, after seeing me stopped way ahead of him. I am very fortunate to have many witnesses who all saw the same thing and were there to help me before the police and paramedics arrived. Even though I was wearing my seat belt, this man who I will just call "Dave", crushed my car from behind and, in turn, me into my steering wheel. I fractured my skull, broke my nose/sinus, suffered traumatic brain injuries, severely sprained and strained my neck and back and tore the muscles in my arms. "Dave" was quoted at the scene saying, "F this b*tch! Why is everyone so worried about this effing B*tch?? My car is effing totalled!! This is the LAST effing thing I needed to happen to me today!!" He also lied under oath in the deposition, when asked if he had ever been arrested before. Suffice to say that "Dave" has a long rap sheet.
I was bed-ridden for about five weeks after that accident. I had (and still have) daily post-traumatic migraines and had been rushed to the Emergency Room a few times in those first weeks, due to blood & cerebrospinal fluid leaking from my ears & nose. I was finally cleared to begin physical therapy and was excited to start healing, so I could head back to beloved Mexico again.
On my way into my first physical therapy session, an elderly Russian man was leaving a Cardiologist appointment in the medical building (where my PT was held). He had a heart condition and promised his doctors that his wife, who was with him, would drive them both home. Apparently, he didn't even know his own name when he left the office. Needless to say, his wife let him get behind the wheel. This man, who I will call "Alek", later told the police that he must have put his car in reverse and stepped on the GAS instead of the brake. "Alek's" car shot up towards a walkway, in reverse, to where I was walking. This happened around 3pm. It was the first nice day in a really long time, so there were a bunch of people sitting in the sunshine outside. The back of the building is also all windows. Unfortunately for them, but good for me, alot of people witnessed me get hit.
I was struck on my right side and was tossed up onto the back of the car, cracking the right side of my head on his back windshield. "Alek" told the cops in the police report that he didn't know anyone was even
on his car and only slammed on the brakes because he heard people screaming. I got shot off the car and cracked my head a few times on my left side. I ended up pretty much breaking/fracturing/injuring everything from my skull to my toes. More traumatic brain injuries, pretty much tore/ripped/injured every muscle, ligament and tendon in my body. My right leg was dangerously atrophied ( from being in bedfor so many months). My doctor's told me if my leg atrophied any more, it would surely become a "peg leg"and I would need it amputated. That scary news turned my "Beast Mode" switch ON and I began doing double sessions of physical therapy the next day.
** THIS IS WHY I DON'T EVER COMPLAIN BECAUSE I AM SO BLESSED!!!! **
I am only 5'6 and the police said I should have gotten sucked under the car, instead of being able to lock my arms and go on top of the trunk (witnesses say I started off with my ankles/feet dragging and was able to push myself up as I was struck.) I wouldn't have survived if I went under that car. It was going at the perfect speed for this to happen. Any slower or faster and I would have gone right under. After the hit, "Alek's" wife got out of the car, peeled me off the street, started yelling at me to "stop being cry baby" and offered me
twenty dollars to not call the police. Thank goodness for the incredible people who acted quickly and pushed this woman off of me. As they began calling 9-1-1, "Alek's" wife yelled to her husband in Russian & he sped away, leaving his wife behind. The witnesses held onto her & locked her in an office inside the medical building until the police arrived. "Alek" left me at the accident, but the cops caught him and he pleaded guilty.
Forgiveness
I was in bed for about two years (if you add it all up), had many surgeries and still have more left. I do double sessions of
excruciating physical therapy
at least four times a week (but do some PT everyday). I'm still dealing with a plethora of medical issues I get migraines daily, and am in and out of the ER all the time. I use forearm crutches & a wheelchair to get around.
"Alek" passed away nine months after we "met". I have no anger towards this man and feel sorry for him. I know he didn't mean to hit me and had no idea where he was or what he was doing that day. I put everything into God's hands and also let go of my feelings about everything his wife did to hurt me.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO FEEL LIKE A VICTIM OR TO FOCUS ON ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HURT ME. I have recently forgiven "Dave" as well, I realize that he must live a miserable life, based on the little I know/have seen of him. I hope that someday he can feel the love, hope and light that engulfs my soul on a daily basis. I guarantee he doesn't have incredible people loving and supporting him, the way I have!! I have handed everything over to G-O-D. Ultimately, he is the only one who can judge us and I have way more trust in Heavenly Justice than our own court system
I know that I will eventually
fully recover from this debacle. I consider myself
extremely blessed to count on the love, prayers and support of my amazing friends and family. In the meanwhile, I have been keeping my heart and mind opened to all of the lessons that the Universe is trying to teach me right now. Inspiration is my motivation!! This way, as I recover, I can emerge a more spiritually-beautiful version of my pre-accident self.
Finding Hope When all seems hopeless
I had two back-to-back surgeries in the fall of 2009. My doctors had just informed that I would be permanently disabled & were convinced that the extreme atrophy in my body was irreversible. Having traumatic brain injuries sets people up for being severely depressed, as well. I felt riddled with guilt over not being in Mexico because the plans for the shelter fell through after I was injured. My mind was foggy and I no longer had the outlet to go for a run to clear my thoughts. Going for a relaxing car ride was also out of the question. No going out dancing with my friends, either. I felt disappointed in alot of my friends who only called when they needed advice or to complain about their own lives. I started isolating myself and fell into a deep depression. It was difficult to think clearly while being in constant pain. I felt like I couldn't really open up to anyone because no one understood what I was going through.
My body was deformed and I didn't know the face that was looking back at me in the mirror. I started questioning every decision I had made in my life that lead up to my accidents. I felt scared. Meeting new people & having them see me as someone who was "disabled" scared me, because I didn't know who the person they were seeing in front of them was. It scared me to have all of my accomplishments, my heart, my mind and my soul, completely overshadowed by my wheelchair and forearm crutches. I felt like a huge burden to everyone around me. I started contemplating suicide. But, then I realized that if I did that, then my accidents and death would define me. I am way too competitive to just give up when it's only half-time of the game. The scoreboard may have read Life: 12370948793703487340937 and Amanda: 0 but there was still time left in the game.
There had to be a reason for all of this to happen to me. I certainly hadn't come this far in life and helped others in need, to not be able to help myself in my own time of need. I knew what made me feel better: uplifting and inspiring movies & opening my heart up to people. I knew what made me feel badly: Talking to negative people & looking at pictures on Facebook of friends, and family acquaintances out having fun, swimming in the ocean, going for walks, getting married, having children. I realized that I needed to focus on what made me happy and simply avoid anything that could hurt me. I went into survival mode & thought about all the things I would do when I was better.
I made a HOPE BOARD- A poster board filled with post-it notes. Each note has a dream or goal of mine written on it. The point of this was to ALWAYS see what I am working towards, to always remember THE BIGGER PICTURE, and keep my eyes on the prize. I started doing random acts of kindness for people, even from my bedside, and INSTANTLY FELT BETTER!! I realized that even though my body was broken, my soul was intact. Doing nice things for other people removed me from my own situation & made me feel like the old me. After awhile, I realized that if I start learning lessons every day, even if it's a bad day, then I am blessed. I started to thank the Universe for both the good and the bad. I started to tap into the warrior inside of me. I started to fight as hard for my own recovery as I would for someone else's. I started to love myself again.
"I am proud of myself every time I look in the mirror and see a smile on my face & bright light in my eyes. That means that I am doing a solid job keeping my heart happy & allowing my spirit to transcend all this adversity."
Staying Fit
When I was in bed-ridden for many months following my accidents, everyone was sending me cupcakes, cookies and cakes. No one sends grapes & carrots to injured folk!! I realized one day, that I may potentially turn into Gilbert Grape's Mom (haha) I also realized that a single gal can either be obese OR disabled and work with it. You can't be both. So, since the disabled part was out of my control, I decided to control what I ate. I knew that eating foods that were bad for me would further depress me, stunt my healing process & induce migraines. So I focused on eating lots of steamed veggies, grilled chicken and fruits.
There is a restaurant called Muscle Maker Grill (
http://www.musclemakergrill.com/) that provides delicious cheap meals that have helped my body heal, especially when I couldn't get around to cook for myself. I do about 4-6 hours of Physical Therapy every day. I break it up into at least two sessions, sometimes up to four, depending on how I am feeling. I have just started walking on a treadmill, while holding onto the sidebars for dear life. Being able to do cardio again is LIBERATING! I have also just purchased a hand-cycle & have decided to become a wheelchair athlete. Like they say, "Happiness is doing what you can, where you are, with what you have..."
"I've learned that you can knock my lights out and I still shine. Through all of the tears, heartache, pain & stress, I have found TRUE SERENITY."
Anyone going through a hard time I want you to know that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can take the love in your heart nor the light in your soul away from you. I know that somethings happen that are totally out of our control ~ people can break our hearts or our bodies ~ but ultimately WE ARE IN CONTROL of our lives. The answer lies WITHIN each one of us.
An inspired soul is IMPOSSIBLE to break. Feeling like a victim and thinking negative thoughts are true disabilities. Instead, I am focused on ENABLING myself however possible. I no longer feel as if I need to be getting around without my crutches and chair in order to be COMPLETE. This experience has overwhelmed my soul with more love and hope than ever before. I feel ENABLED every time I am able to connect with someone & brighten their day. For as cliche as it sounds, sometimes all it really takes is a smile to change the course of a person's day. My teeth weren't knocked out in either accident. I took this as a clear sign from The Universe and God to KEEP SMILING NO MATTER WHAT!! Finally, I am motivated to see what my body, bruised & healing, is capable of. Just because I am not one of the gym bunnies that runs 15 miles on the treadmill, doesn't mean that I can not be incredible in my own way. Just because I still use a wheelchair, doesn't mean that I can't eat well & be toned. And just because I have been hurt alot in the past, doesn't mean that I can't define myself by love. I refuse to let this situation change me for the worse. I refuse to be bitter. And am only getting better =)
My Legacy
I truly believe none of us will ever truly be gone, even after we pass, because we live on in the love & hope that we've showered onto the world. Instead of thinking about my death, I am focused on making the most of my life. I know that God does everything for a reason. I refuse to be a victim and PROMISE you that I will someday run, swim, dance and walk again. Maybe not today, or this year or in twenty years. But someday! I have also become involved in many organizations which give hope to people with disabilities & illnesses. I feel angels all around me, guiding me towards my purpose. I will begin giving motivational talks at schools sometime next year (when my brain is hopefully more healed) & have decided to write a book someday, as well. I want to share all of the beautiful things I have learned from my travels & my accidents. Finally, I believe that counting our blessings isn't enough. We have to share them, too!
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